My Conversation with Cancer

I'm already sick of you.
I'm already sick of talking about you.
You have been the topic of conversation since hospital admittance DAY ONE.
My days and nights since then has been all about YOU.
I'm so over you, Cancer.

You're so fuckin' needy.
"Look at me. Ahem...Cancer here. Yep, I'm in your lymph nodes. That was me, making it hard for you to breathe. Yep, what you thought was a chest cold, was me trying to get your attention."
You sneaky, attention whore.
I wanted to hide you.
Keep you a secret.
Hoping that the doctors wouldn't see you.
All along, I knew deep down that they'd find you eventually.

What the fuck was I thinking?
Thinking that I could outsmart doctors?
Thinking that I could outsmart YOU?

I thought I could keep up the lie.
That everything was okay.
That I wasn't sick.
Even though for several years, I could feel swelling under my armpits and in my neck
The size of golf balls.
Hoping that by some miraculous turn of events, YOU would go away.
If I could just push through the day.
Push through the light-headedness and shortness of breath
Push onto the next day
You would go away.

But you couldn't leave me alone, could you?
Nope you had to make your presence be known.
Well I hear you LOUD + CLEAR.
I can't ignore you anymore
It's really gonna be ME + YOU for a good long while
From now on, I'd have to face you everyday, really face you
And maybe in the process of facing you, I'd have to face myself

And I'm fuckin scared.
Not of the nausea, fatigue or the hair loss.
I'm scared that I'd really have to change.
I know that I'm stubborn.
I know that I like doing things my way.
I know that I hate being told what to do.

You're telling me to change.
Really change.
And I hate you for it.
I never invited you in, you fuckin party crasher.

I'm sick of you drawing attention to me.
You're forcing me to ask for help.
Another thing I hate doing.
You're asking me to stop playing small.
Enough of the self-help, motivational bullshit.
I just want to get through the day.

You're asking me to stop and look into myself.
I don't have time for that shit!
I've got jobs to juggle, bills to pay
And not to mention, movies to make.

Now go away. Leave me alone. I'm busy...

(arms crossed).