Seeing Beyond the Mirror

I’m being asked to change.  My body is practically grabbing me by the shoulders and screaming “you’ve got to do things differently from now on, if you want to be happy, healthy, and whole!”  The psoriasis on my torso, back, arms, and thighs were clear indications that something was wrong. I’ve had minor flare ups in the past, but the patches were small and went away as quickly as they appeared.  This flare up is different -- there’s more of it and they’re taking longer to heal.  I could no longer recognize myself and felt, to put it simply, ugly, and disconnected from a body that seemed to no longer belong to me.  As unsettling as it was to look in the mirror everyday, for the first time in my life, I learned that my body had a message for me, and everyday since has been an exercise in self-love.  

The rest of this blog won’t go into the medical nature of psoriasis, but rather, I want to share how psoriasis has taught me to look within myself and beyond the mirror. 

Milton H. Greene's photo of Audrey Hepburn.

My psoriasis was getting worse over time – starting out as small dime size spots, eventually developing into larger patches that looked like the outlines of Pangea overlapping my torso and thighs.  I kept to wearing pants and long-sleeved shirts, even in high summer temperatures.  My skin also became itchier, making it difficult to focus on completing tasks without the constant need to scratch.  I would take salt baths everyday to help soothe the itchiness and exfoliate my flaky skin.  

A moment that stood out in my memory and shifted my sense of purpose was when I was standing in the shower, brushing off the dead skin and the more I brushed, the itchier I felt. I continued brushing so hard to the point of swelling redness.  Feeling defeat, frustration, and anger towards my body, I threw the brush down and began to hysterically cry.  As I was breaking down, I knew I was breaking through to some truths that I kept hidden.  At the core of my emotions and consciousness, was the need to release negative feelings and beliefs about myself.  For too long, I felt not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not worthy enough, etc.  I made a vow through sobbing tears that I would love myself and that I would no longer neglect and hate myself, make myself small nor ignore my power.

Since then, I’ve learned that at its most basic function, psoriasis is a form of inflammation.  My psoriasis was telling me that that something wasn’t working properly in my body due to an infection or some type of damage or attack on my cells.  I believe innately that these negative beliefs that I was holding onto were forms of infection, leading to inflammation that was showing up on my body.  Therefore, I needed to examine these beliefs and begin the process of healing.  I also believed innately that there was a natural, holistic and spiritual cure.

This book opened my eyes!

I read books and watched documentaries on juicing, detoxing, and anti-inflammatory diets.  I also learned to be mindful of my mental and emotional state, discovering too that stress is another factor that causes inflammation.  Through changes in diet and thinking, my body is showing signs of healing.  

However, the attempt at breaking old habits and creating new ones hasn’t been perfect. I’ve fallen off the wagon numerous times eating sugar and drinking coffee, knowing very well that it could aggravate my psoriasis.  It wasn’t until a recent visit to a chiropractic wellness center that I was reminded how important it was that I re-commit myself to healing.  The doctor was adamant that if I didn’t take care of myself and stick to a high alkaline/anti-inflammatory diet, that my psoriasis could get worse, leading to wear and tear on my joints over time.  He said with firm authority that I needed to be accountable for better eating and lifestyle choices.  I felt a wave of shame, my defenses went up and I found myself repeating, “I know, I’ve done the research, I know what’s good for me and what’s bad for me.” At the end of the consultation, he left me with these words: “you may know this information, but you’ll only go as far as you want to go”.  I've often meditated on his words.  I know now that in order for me to truly heal, I need to feel the fear of change, and find the courage to let go anything and all that doesn’t serve me.  

What are you willing to let go of that no longer serves or works in your best interest?